Are You Looking For The Sunglasses On Your Head?

Have you ever looked for something that wasn't lost? Like your car keys, when they were in your purse the whole time? I looked for my sunglasses once for twenty minutes before realizing they were on my head.

A "crazy" feeling starts to build in scenarios like that; a sheer frustration with reality not lining up (ie I KNOW I put them right there, how did they just 'disappear?')

Maybe not everyone is that easily duped with 'lost' things, but I've seen others slave away for weeks, months even years trying to fix something that wasn't the problem or change something that would never give them what they want. Not only does the relief of 'arrival', 'fixed' or 'desire fulfilled' never come, a similar feeling of 'crazy' builds up along the way as we try harder and harder without 'finding that thing we were looking for'.

There are two usual suspects for this scenario:

1. We already have what we think we want (or the solution to the problem)

2. We don't actually know what we want (or what the problem is)

Last week I was talking to a friend, explaining this scenario of 'bustin my butt' on a particular goal without seeing the results. The cycle was making me feel 'crazy'. I wanted answers; I wanted an understanding that would take this pressure off and make me feel more grounded and sane again. I think on some level, I wanted to complain to the 'Manager of Life' because 'this is not what I ordered' and 'how dare you'.

Yeah. It was that bad.

Unphased, she listened calmly. She intentionally poked me at times so I would barf up a little more ugliness to get it out of my system.

I could hear it; I wasn't super proud. Then she said 'you already have your answer'. Annoyed, I responded 'how? how do I already have my answer?'

She went through the checklists of logic and insights we'd gathered over time discussing this issue (clearly this was not my first phone call of this nature) and reminded me that :

- I wasn't doing anything "wrong"

- We agree "I'm where I'm supposed to be"

- We can verify I'm doing all the 'right things'

And so she repeated "so there you go, you have your answer". Then she pushed it even further and said "you're just having a bad day, and you're allowed to have bad days. Humans have bad days, I don't know why but they do and you're having one, so just have it".

I disliked every word in that sentence. I gave her some 'tude.

But then, a rush of memories and insights came over me, all seemingly validating her response (that I still did not like).

I grew up on Bible stories; like them or hate them, I still grew up on them. I also loved Greek Myths and Fairytales. All of these epic stories of human development, archetypes and heroes had some incredibly difficult storylines.

Bible stories, if read straight from the Bible, are borderline "R" rated tales. Greek Myths are practically "X" rated and fairy tales... whew, don't get me started on fairy tales. If you read the original versions of those things you'll agree with me when I say those 'fairies' tellin the 'tales' had some major trauma backgrounds and felt free to pass it along in the stories. They were all tough.

But in the world I live in now, I see book after book, ad after ad, quote after quote selling success, beauty and accomplishment in shiny little formulas that are as clear as 1+2=3. Just do this, then this and stick with it like this and viola! Here's your perfect body, enlightened mind and sexy soulmate. They never advertise the 40 years people wander in deserts, or the time they spent in jail for no reason, or how they were crucified for going against the grain to help others. They don't talk about achilles heels that mess everything up at the wrong moment for unexplained reasons, or curses or insane childhood trauma someone has to work through for the rest of the story. The formulas never include those unpredictable and-never-identical-problems.

I believe health, wellness, success and love are totally attainable and there's no reason why we shouldn't or can't live in that reality, but the whole formula thing does not really resonate with me very often. My life just doesn't seem to ever work that way. And when it doesn't, I go through this cycle of:

- what am I doing wrong?

- why is this not working?

- what else do I need to do? aka, how can I work harder?

And lately the answer is : the sunglasses are already on my head.

There is a time in all the stories when the main character is on their way but not 'there' yet; sitting at the bottom of wells before becoming the rulers of nations, sitting with cattle as a nobody before becoming the King of everybody, shipwrecked, abandoned, neglected, ridiculed, betrayed, and so on. The 'on the way' part is critical, but it's less romantic and 'results' oriented as the end scene when victory happens.

My friend's response was basically, 'you're on the way, this is the process, these are the days, this is the stuff you are going through to get where you're going.'

There's a brief deflation, then a slow setting free when I realize the answers are usually inside, not outside.

I want the answer to be outside of myself; I want to think there's this one thing I can do that will make my uncomfortableness with the present moment shift away.

Instead, the 'answers' usually involve internal responsibility, not outside salvation.

Outside salvation seems wonderful; but when misdiagnosed, it's disempowering and leaves us in a place of 'always looking and never found'. It creates anxiety and disempowered thinking over time when we already have the answer or are sitting on what we already want. Looking outside of us for what is already there inside is what creates such disempowerment.

Recognizing inner world insights, accepting internal responsibility, deviating from an outside formula dictating how it will all look because that's what we want to be told... oof. It's painful at first. And uncomfortable.

My personal path to fulfilling my purpose and living in my zone of genius, my definition of a life well lived and lived to the fullest is something I have to discover. No one can hand me that formula, as badly as I might want it for reassurance.

However, there are principles, themes and encouragement we can take from stories that are repeated all around us. Stories remain in metaphor, archetypes, universal truths and energetic principles that we can apply to our own lives through insight and critical thinking.

It happens as we're able to take cues from all around us: studying information, books, mentors, words from a friend, a scene from a movie, watching our kids, observing what's happening in the world. These things come together as insights, and those insights allow us to untangle another knot in our own perception, allowing us more movement, more freedom- and with it, parallel results.

I don't have all the answers.

I don't offer shiny formulas (until I find one that works, anyways).

But, I live this process out in my own life, everyday. I'm in it. I'm full on in this. I'm committed to my inner world development, I'm determined to build communities of people who talk to me like that friend talked to me this week. I'm here to untangle the knots inside our minds and souls to reveal the magic, power and 'answers' that are already within us.

I'm here to see how amazing this can really turn out to be. And I'm open to all the others who are ready to do the same.

... Because once I realized the sunglasses are already on my head, there's nothing stopping me from walking out that door, into the world and doing what I meant to do out there.

(and also, stay by your phone because I might need to walk myself through this again).

See you in a Group,

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Jesska Layne Herfst, MAPC