It’s Either This, or the Unbearable Vulnerability of Love

My husband and I were friends for 15 years before finally getting married. In normal circumstances we enjoy a lot of 'shit talking'. Our bread and butter of friendship involves a lot of teasing, debating, and laughing. However, in this vulnerable season of having a newborn, I have become extra sensitive to everything, including our usual banter.

After a few rounds of feeling hurt instead of entertained by these exchanges, I asked him for less shit talk and more gentle connection. He knew immediately what I meant. He softened and confessed he was feeling extra sensitive, too. He took a moment, looked at me, and said:

"I'm sorry, it's either this (the jokes and shit talk) or living in the unbearble vulnerability of love".

His response was both comforting and hilarious- because it's true. He put perfect language to what we all do when faced with being our True Self in new, deep, or challenging environments: we try to avoid the unbearable vulnerability of love.

The Three Relationships That Shape Everything

I had a great mentor once whose thesis was that everything we do is shaped by three relationships. These relationships form the lens through which we interpret our lives. They shape every belief we hold, every behavior we repeat, and ultimately, the path we walk. These three types of connection are:

• the relationship we have with ourselves
• the relationship we have with others
• and the relationship we have with God.

This is Part II of a series on the True Self. We began with the first relationship: the one we have with ourselves. We dove into the inner world, identifying the essence of who we are beneath conditioning, and learning to recognize the True Self from the Shadow Self.

This was our first step. Now, we carry that awareness outward. We turn toward community, toward intimacy, toward the sacred mirror that is “the other.”

"Relationship is the mirror in which the true self is revealed.” - Jiddu Krishnamurti

The Test Of Our True Self: Relationships in Community

“Some 2,600 years ago, the ancient Greek poet Pindar wrote,

'Become who you are by learning who you are.'

What he meant is the following: You are born with a particular makeup and tendencies that mark you as a piece of fate. It is who you are to the core. Some people never become who they are; they stop trusting in themselves; they conform to the tastes of others, and they end up wearing a mask that hides their true nature.

If you allow yourself to learn who you really are by paying attention to that voice and force within you, then you can become what you were fated to become—an individual, a Master.”
― Robert Greene, Mastery

The point of all this is not to just be 'healed' or feel 'normal' or to say you 'did the inner work' and are now somehow more spiritual or healthy than those other people.

The whole point of this is to live in the all-consuming peace, passion, and purpose of who you are. It's to have the honor of becoming the real you, the one with the unique gifts, the one you were fated to become. All the work and the loops and the groups and the art- it's all to be free, to remember what's true and to live from that place instead of the conditioning, trauma responses, and facades we've had to take on to survive.

And when becoming this true self, the ultimate test and training ground is relationships with others. We confim who we are when we live it out in community.

The beauty of becoming our True Self in relationships with others is that it rarely feels beautiful in the moment. Instead, it’s raw, disorienting, and asks everything of us. And yet—there’s power in staying present to the mess. In community, this looks like allowing yourself to be seen when it's hard, letting old patterns rise without shame, and risking connection anyway. It’s here, in the unbearable vulnerability of love, that the true self begins to emerge—real, resilient, radiant.

Vulnerability Isn’t a Side Effect—It’s the Path

“We are all in search of feeling more connected to reality—to other people, the times we live in, the natural world, our character, and our own uniqueness. Our culture increasingly tends to separate us from these realities in various ways. We indulge in drugs or alcohol, or engage in dangerous sports or risky behavior, just to wake ourselves up from the sleep of our daily existence and feel a heightened sense of connection to reality. In the end, however, the most satisfying and powerful way to feel this connection is through creative activity. Engaged in the creative process we feel more alive than ever, because we are making something and not merely consuming, Masters of the small reality we create. In doing this work, we are in fact creating ourselves.”
― Robert Greene, Mastery

Relationship is messy, sacred work.

It stretches us beyond comfort, asks us to break open, and initiates us through pain into something more whole. Community—real, soul-deep community—asks the same of us. It invites vulnerability, confronts our oldest wounds, and dares us to remain open in the face of discomfort. But on the other side is a deeper love—one that reflects us back to ourselves, and insists we are worthy of being fully seen.

Groups act as a community that fast-tracks clarity. Art helps this process; it's my go-to for all the work in this arena. In a single circle, you’ll see ten different versions of yourself reflected back: your courage, your doubt, your compassion, your avoidance. This multi-perspective mirror is where we see ourselves more deeply. Whoever we think we are is tested in the open air of real relationships, real interactions.

Something magical happens when intentional people gather with the aid of creative works. Wisdom multiplies. Language sharpens. Insight sparks. You start to realize that the personal evolution of the True Self isn’t a solo journey—it’s something we co-create through relationships.

Journaling Prompts: Exploring Our True Self In Relationships

• What parts of me do I hide in close relationships—and what am I afraid might happen if I shared them?
• What triggers me most in community—and what deeper invitation might it be offering?
• Who has seen a part of me I didn’t yet fully trust—and how did I respond?
• What if every relationship I struggle with was a soul assignment? What would that shift in me?
• Where can I practice being seen without softening, solving, or shrinking?
• Where in my life am I using humor, intellect, or caretaking to avoid the unbearable vulnerability of love?
• What would it feel like to let someone love the unfiltered version of me today?

Community Doesn’t Dilute The True Self—It Reveals It

Becoming our true selves with others isn’t tidy. It requires us to face the parts of ourselves we’ve hidden, to navigate triggers with honesty, and to choose love over safety. This kind of vulnerability can feel unbearable—but it’s also the birthplace of becoming, and belonging, as our True Self.

Stay Tuned for Part 3: The most interesting relationship of all... Our relationship with God.

"Community makes God visible" Henry Nouwen

🌿 Interested in Community through Groups?

If this stirred something in you, there are three ways to step into the next layer of transformation:

✨ The Collective – A soul-aligned community for new travelers on this path. Try the work, meet the others, and feel what it’s like to be witnessed in your becoming. Join here →

💍 The Union – A private group for couples ready to navigate their personal and relational evolution together. Deep work. Real conversation. Shared growth. Explore the Couples Intensive →

💼 The Circle – For founders, creatives, and visionaries ready to lead from alignment—not performance. This executive cohort is where power meets purpose. Apply here →

This is sacred work. You don’t have to do it alone.

Reach out anytime with questions: jesska@laynehugh.com