This isn't what I envisioned for my life: The Year 2020
I was on a call with a colleague the other day and we were trying to pinpoint the cause of a heightened sense of vulnerability we were both feeling.
In her processing, she said "This just isn't how I envisioned my life". That phrase hit me. Our sense of vulnerability was coming from different and unrelated sources, but as I thought about her words, I realized I could relate. I could absolutely relate to the core thought of "this isn't how I envisioned my life right now"and the disorienting sense of vulnerability that came with acknowledging that thought.
Then I wondered about the broader picture of 2020 and how, even if your life has somehow gone perfectly this year, we are all in a similar situation with the world and the sentiment is "This isn't how I envisioned this year going".
This disconnect between the story we believed about ourselves, the future, our business, our capabilities, our love lives, our finances, our stability in the world- and the unexpected reality of what's happening and unfolding can leave us feeling vulnerable. Like most of you, I find this uncomfortable. Like most of us, I want to find the quickest way out of this emotion and find my way back to a feeling of strength, stability and certainty.
Then I noticed something interesting. I started thinking, who else do I know is feeling this way, as much as I am? Several people started coming to mind, then a few more. So I asked myself, what is it we have in common? Why does it feel like some of us are living at this heightened level of vulnerability right now? And the answer floated up in a theme: most of the people I know who are feeling extra vulnerable are people who dream, people who take risks, people who put themselves out there, people who believe something bigger and better is possible and they've put their money where their mouth is.
Well, at first that seemed like good company. I could relate to that. I just moved across the country to a town where I don't know anyone in the middle of a pandemic and hurricane season. I could see that and a few other things I've done lately as reaching into risk for a dream. But why would we, as a group so to speak, be met with so many difficult emotions (like overwhelming vulnerability) on our path to something so good? Why are these dreamers and doers met with vulnerability for their efforts? Why aren't we feeling like strong heroes who defy the odds and are glowing with an undefeatable strength? (< This is how I see it in my mind and am BAFFLED this is not the case right now).
I was at the height of my funk last night when I turned to pinterest to look at pretty things for a few minutes before bed (I love all things fashion, beauty and art). And as I was scrolling, I came across these words:
"Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change."
- Brene Brown
Brene Brown called me out. Or, she called me back. I realized that my colleague and I, and those that came to mind that are extra vulnerable right now, we're up to something. We're dreamers. We want more out of life and we believe it's possible. And this vulnerability, as uncomfortable as it can be, is the birthplace for the heart of what we really want to spring forward. In a sense, this vulnerability is the evidence that we are moving closer to what we want, what we envisioned, and perhaps- it's going to be better than what we thought.
My colleague and I, we chose intentionally to jump in the deep end. It makes sense that we would feel this way. But sometimes, people end up in wildly vulnerable situations without intentionally choosing it. If that's you, take heart. Sometimes the gift of genius, breakthrough, transformation, unfathomable change, innovation and beauty are thrusted upon us unexpectedly. It's uncomfortable. It's not easy. But if it's here with you already (this 'vulnerability') then know that you're in good company. Know that it is here to birth the unexpected.
I've heard it said, 'the greater the unknown, the greater the possibility". Since none of us know what lies ahead (especially in 2020) let's expect the unexpected in the form of new possibilities. Let us believe that what felt like a rough season of being dunked in our own vulnerability was actually the passageway to the life we were meant to live, as our highest self.
Jesska Layne Herfst, MAPC
Founder of Layne & Hugh Consulting